Is the game over?

I need you to watch these video clips from divorce court.  Watch the whole thing, but the important part of Video 1 starts at marker 2:58. Watch both parts of Video 2

Video 1: The Definition of Manhood



Video 2: Part 1: The Ungrateful Woman



Video 2: Part 2: The Ungrateful Woman


Judge Toler spoke on the shift of the definition of manhood in the first video.  I don't even have to speak on what she spoke on there, because she said it all.  And I love her for that.  She chastized the ungrateful wife in the second. The question Judge Toler asks in the first video is what often plagues my heart, mind and spirit:


IS IT OVER?!  Is playing ever going to be OVER? Is blaming ever going to be OVER? Is the dysfunction ever going to be OVER?! Is the hurt, self destruction, self-hate, self-centeredness ever going to be OVER?!

When will it end? Each time I go to court with a client, my heart breaks a little more and more. Sometimes there are little angelic faces sitting in the court watching mommies and daddies spew venom and hatred toward each other.  And my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I want it to stop.  I want it to end.  I want the children to no longer suffer because of the curses and sins of their mothers and fathers.  Because they do suffer.

HAVE WE LOST??????


I see boys and girls (I refuse to call some of these folks men and women because often they are young or young-minded) come into court disheveled and appearing beatdown by the world.  They look old before their time.  They speak of simple things as though they are complex and are devoid of understanding complex matters.  Sometimes they really don't know any better. And it hurts. It hurts that they don't understand what it means to be men and women.  They don't even realize what being there means for them or their children.  They have been failed.  We have failed them and they take it and fail someone else.  Arguing over money while children suffer.  Thinking more about what is going on in their sexual relationships than what happens in their parental ones.  Clowning and carrying on and not understanding what it means to be serious and about their business.  For every good example of manhood and womanhood I sometimes see in court, their counterpart is the exact opposite. (otherwise, they wouldn't be there right?)

Sometimes I just want to break out of my role and say what is on my heart: 

All of the vile, beastly hatred and destruction that you breed into the lives of others affects them and has collateral damage.  There are babies who lie awake at night crying and in pain because daddy didn't come home last night.  There are babies who die a little on the inside every time mommy screams a harsh word or takes out her own pain on them. But they have no voice.  They don't know how to tell you they are hurting.  They act out what they feel on the inside.  They throw tantrums, they do poorly in school, they wet the bed, they fight, they shut down, they stop feeling, they grow cold and they repeat it and pass it down.

Do you know that the destruction you create through your choices makes your children weak? They become vulnerable to all the evils and ills the world has to offer because the safety of "home" no longer exists. Or never existed. And it goes on until they are standing in your place and your grandchildren in theirs. 

When you're playing games and creating children, do you think of what your life will mean to them?

"Choices, Decisions, Consequences"- Is something I see a guy I know tweet all the time.  And it gives me pause each time I read it.

You choose who you give your love, life and little ones to.  You have choices.  They are presented to you. And YOU make them.  The wife in the "Ungrateful Wife" video chose bad men before her husband. That decision bred into her a feeling of unworthiness and a negativity that has her ready to leave a good man and do him wrong. Really?! This man took you and all three of your children and gave you a life you could never have imagined, and you want to throw him away? No wonder men believe that women don't want a good man. You are living proof that they are not appreciated.

When did it shift? The definition of manhood and womanhood that is.  When did it become who can make the most guap and get the biggest freak?  When did it become who could be the flyest barbie or bust it loose and be the best babymama on the block? When did dignity get replaced by the dehumanization that is here now?

I haven't given up on us.  I choose to love us.  I could turn my back and only worry about me and mine, but my heart won't let me do it.  I LOVE WHO WE ARE AND WHO WE ARE GOING TO BE! I speak life into our community and I pray that we are once again restored.

Can we shift it back? Can we want more? Make better decisions?

Comments

Anonymous said…
youre right. every action carries consequences. sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad. the pitiful part of it all is that our children pay. they pay when we do stupid things, but the adult can stand wth pride that they won!!! thas what its all about ...winning. People need to learn to be HUMBLE. then their marriages will begin to work. Like on the tyler perry movie... Janet Jackson said " you always have to be in control" the other lady said"i dont wanna contil him i just want him to do what i say" i laughed but it is part of what is ruining marriage today.
Standing ovation over here! So glad you're in our army for change. God bless you.
Anonymous said…
From a reader: I only watched the first video. The judge spoke a message that unfortunately MAY have only hit home if a MAN had said it to that adult-aged male. I could go into a number of things that would help that matter but what women dont get is tha...t most males are raised by their mothers (DOMINATE WOMAN) and are trapped in that mindset of needing or wanting to dominate/conquer women to feel better. We can go long on this one but I gotta take my son to his swim lessons - where I am the ONLY father in the pool. *lol*

I get the judges message... and I shall hope that men will hear ME in her.
Nic Nelson said…
I don't know, Anonymous-- I think it was pretty powerful coming from a successful, sharp woman in a position of authority, who can speak as a daughter and wife and mom as well as a judge in a court of law. My 16yo son is upstairs watching that first video right now. I'm going to watch it with my 12yo son too, but not my 8yo daughter yet, because I don't want her to become too jaded too soon.

Although I do want her to see the second two videos when she's older and dating appears on the radar at last. Personally, I could not watch them all the way through. Too painful.

I'll suggest that first clip to our Scoutmaster, it would be great to watch it together with our older scouts and talk about how, exactly, the Troop 848 view of Manhood differs from the "atomic dog" view of Manhood. There may be a "dog" in you, son, but there is also an "Eagle". Stick to the path to Eagle Scout, and starve that "dog" till it's too weak to harm the women in your life. (apologies to George Clinton)

Good, good stuff, CM. Keep it coming. And don't give up hope. I'm with you, praying that the playing-at-procreation, the blaming, the dysfunction, the devil-may-care irresponsibility, the hip-hop/gangsta rap attitude, that all that will pass into obscurity-- that it will shrivel to a tiny fragment of the BC, and the historic strength of community and responsibility will return in force.

Want to see where some game-changers of the future are coming from? One reliable source of honorable young Black men? Check us out:
http://bsa-troop848.ning.com/
or
http://www.troop848-westang.org/
(sites still need a bit of work, but the Troop is strong and proud, with a long heritage in South Los Angeles)

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