Is the game over?
I need you to watch these video clips from divorce court. Watch the whole thing, but the important part of Video 1 starts at marker 2:58. Watch both parts of Video 2
Video 1: The Definition of Manhood
Video 2: Part 1: The Ungrateful Woman
Video 2: Part 2: The Ungrateful Woman
Judge Toler spoke on the shift of the definition of manhood in the first video. I don't even have to speak on what she spoke on there, because she said it all. And I love her for that. She chastized the ungrateful wife in the second. The question Judge Toler asks in the first video is what often plagues my heart, mind and spirit:
IS IT OVER?! Is playing ever going to be OVER? Is blaming ever going to be OVER? Is the dysfunction ever going to be OVER?! Is the hurt, self destruction, self-hate, self-centeredness ever going to be OVER?!
When will it end? Each time I go to court with a client, my heart breaks a little more and more. Sometimes there are little angelic faces sitting in the court watching mommies and daddies spew venom and hatred toward each other. And my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I want it to stop. I want it to end. I want the children to no longer suffer because of the curses and sins of their mothers and fathers. Because they do suffer.
I see boys and girls (I refuse to call some of these folks men and women because often they are young or young-minded) come into court disheveled and appearing beatdown by the world. They look old before their time. They speak of simple things as though they are complex and are devoid of understanding complex matters. Sometimes they really don't know any better. And it hurts. It hurts that they don't understand what it means to be men and women. They don't even realize what being there means for them or their children. They have been failed. We have failed them and they take it and fail someone else. Arguing over money while children suffer. Thinking more about what is going on in their sexual relationships than what happens in their parental ones. Clowning and carrying on and not understanding what it means to be serious and about their business. For every good example of manhood and womanhood I sometimes see in court, their counterpart is the exact opposite. (otherwise, they wouldn't be there right?)
All of the vile, beastly hatred and destruction that you breed into the lives of others affects them and has collateral damage. There are babies who lie awake at night crying and in pain because daddy didn't come home last night. There are babies who die a little on the inside every time mommy screams a harsh word or takes out her own pain on them. But they have no voice. They don't know how to tell you they are hurting. They act out what they feel on the inside. They throw tantrums, they do poorly in school, they wet the bed, they fight, they shut down, they stop feeling, they grow cold and they repeat it and pass it down.
Do you know that the destruction you create through your choices makes your children weak? They become vulnerable to all the evils and ills the world has to offer because the safety of "home" no longer exists. Or never existed. And it goes on until they are standing in your place and your grandchildren in theirs.
When you're playing games and creating children, do you think of what your life will mean to them?
"Choices, Decisions, Consequences"- Is something I see a guy I know tweet all the time. And it gives me pause each time I read it.
You choose who you give your love, life and little ones to. You have choices. They are presented to you. And YOU make them. The wife in the "Ungrateful Wife" video chose bad men before her husband. That decision bred into her a feeling of unworthiness and a negativity that has her ready to leave a good man and do him wrong. Really?! This man took you and all three of your children and gave you a life you could never have imagined, and you want to throw him away? No wonder men believe that women don't want a good man. You are living proof that they are not appreciated.
When did it shift? The definition of manhood and womanhood that is. When did it become who can make the most guap and get the biggest freak? When did it become who could be the flyest barbie or bust it loose and be the best babymama on the block? When did dignity get replaced by the dehumanization that is here now?
I haven't given up on us. I choose to love us. I could turn my back and only worry about me and mine, but my heart won't let me do it. I LOVE WHO WE ARE AND WHO WE ARE GOING TO BE! I speak life into our community and I pray that we are once again restored.
Can we shift it back? Can we want more? Make better decisions?
Video 1: The Definition of Manhood
Video 2: Part 1: The Ungrateful Woman
Video 2: Part 2: The Ungrateful Woman
Judge Toler spoke on the shift of the definition of manhood in the first video. I don't even have to speak on what she spoke on there, because she said it all. And I love her for that. She chastized the ungrateful wife in the second. The question Judge Toler asks in the first video is what often plagues my heart, mind and spirit:
IS IT OVER?! Is playing ever going to be OVER? Is blaming ever going to be OVER? Is the dysfunction ever going to be OVER?! Is the hurt, self destruction, self-hate, self-centeredness ever going to be OVER?!
When will it end? Each time I go to court with a client, my heart breaks a little more and more. Sometimes there are little angelic faces sitting in the court watching mommies and daddies spew venom and hatred toward each other. And my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I want it to stop. I want it to end. I want the children to no longer suffer because of the curses and sins of their mothers and fathers. Because they do suffer.
HAVE WE LOST??????
I see boys and girls (I refuse to call some of these folks men and women because often they are young or young-minded) come into court disheveled and appearing beatdown by the world. They look old before their time. They speak of simple things as though they are complex and are devoid of understanding complex matters. Sometimes they really don't know any better. And it hurts. It hurts that they don't understand what it means to be men and women. They don't even realize what being there means for them or their children. They have been failed. We have failed them and they take it and fail someone else. Arguing over money while children suffer. Thinking more about what is going on in their sexual relationships than what happens in their parental ones. Clowning and carrying on and not understanding what it means to be serious and about their business. For every good example of manhood and womanhood I sometimes see in court, their counterpart is the exact opposite. (otherwise, they wouldn't be there right?)
Sometimes I just want to break out of my role and say what is on my heart:
All of the vile, beastly hatred and destruction that you breed into the lives of others affects them and has collateral damage. There are babies who lie awake at night crying and in pain because daddy didn't come home last night. There are babies who die a little on the inside every time mommy screams a harsh word or takes out her own pain on them. But they have no voice. They don't know how to tell you they are hurting. They act out what they feel on the inside. They throw tantrums, they do poorly in school, they wet the bed, they fight, they shut down, they stop feeling, they grow cold and they repeat it and pass it down.
Do you know that the destruction you create through your choices makes your children weak? They become vulnerable to all the evils and ills the world has to offer because the safety of "home" no longer exists. Or never existed. And it goes on until they are standing in your place and your grandchildren in theirs.
When you're playing games and creating children, do you think of what your life will mean to them?
"Choices, Decisions, Consequences"- Is something I see a guy I know tweet all the time. And it gives me pause each time I read it.
You choose who you give your love, life and little ones to. You have choices. They are presented to you. And YOU make them. The wife in the "Ungrateful Wife" video chose bad men before her husband. That decision bred into her a feeling of unworthiness and a negativity that has her ready to leave a good man and do him wrong. Really?! This man took you and all three of your children and gave you a life you could never have imagined, and you want to throw him away? No wonder men believe that women don't want a good man. You are living proof that they are not appreciated.
When did it shift? The definition of manhood and womanhood that is. When did it become who can make the most guap and get the biggest freak? When did it become who could be the flyest barbie or bust it loose and be the best babymama on the block? When did dignity get replaced by the dehumanization that is here now?
I haven't given up on us. I choose to love us. I could turn my back and only worry about me and mine, but my heart won't let me do it. I LOVE WHO WE ARE AND WHO WE ARE GOING TO BE! I speak life into our community and I pray that we are once again restored.
Can we shift it back? Can we want more? Make better decisions?
Comments
I get the judges message... and I shall hope that men will hear ME in her.
Although I do want her to see the second two videos when she's older and dating appears on the radar at last. Personally, I could not watch them all the way through. Too painful.
I'll suggest that first clip to our Scoutmaster, it would be great to watch it together with our older scouts and talk about how, exactly, the Troop 848 view of Manhood differs from the "atomic dog" view of Manhood. There may be a "dog" in you, son, but there is also an "Eagle". Stick to the path to Eagle Scout, and starve that "dog" till it's too weak to harm the women in your life. (apologies to George Clinton)
Good, good stuff, CM. Keep it coming. And don't give up hope. I'm with you, praying that the playing-at-procreation, the blaming, the dysfunction, the devil-may-care irresponsibility, the hip-hop/gangsta rap attitude, that all that will pass into obscurity-- that it will shrivel to a tiny fragment of the BC, and the historic strength of community and responsibility will return in force.
Want to see where some game-changers of the future are coming from? One reliable source of honorable young Black men? Check us out:
http://bsa-troop848.ning.com/
or
http://www.troop848-westang.org/
(sites still need a bit of work, but the Troop is strong and proud, with a long heritage in South Los Angeles)